Beyond Comprehension | New Chapter: The Fear Sets In 

Beyond Comprehension
My heart is broken today for everyone effected by the Boston Marathon bombings.

When I was a child, I couldn't wait to be an adult. I thought adults were always fair and nice to one another.  Kids could be do cruel to one another. And sensitive kids like me, the ones who wear their emotions in their sleeves, are easy targets.  I couldn't wait to call my own shots and destiny.  I also thought that I would toughen up and not get that pain in my heart or lump in my throat when I encountered something in life that was unfair or tragic.

It was a bit of a rude awakening when I became an adult and realized that not all grown people play by the rules.  There are still bullies, assholes and those who exhibit all around crappy behavior.  The difference today is that I have a better handle on how to deal with those people or I can choose to not interact with them at all.

It was equally upsetting to learn that while I can guide and shape my future, "control" is just an illusion.  You can't control what other people do, let along random life things like a cancer diagnosis, losing a job, getting in a car accident or being the victim of violence.  As a country, we're living that lesson again through the tragic bombings yesterday.  That familiar pain in my heart and lump in my throat has returned for those who died, are injured, witnessed it - anyone who's effected by it.  I wish with all my being that all victims are able to heal and find inner peace.  

This is yet another reminder to be present, because that's the only thing that's certain.  And don't get so focused on the outcome that you miss the journey.  Invoking Grammy Sue's favorite quote, "Yesterday's history.  Tomorrow's a mystery. And today is a gift.  That's why they call it the present."  

New Chapter: The Fear Sets In
Mexico was fantastic.  Not a lot to report, other than soaking up some sun (through our UPF clothing and SPF 70 and hats, of course), swimming in pools and oceans, eating and drinking and watching the movie, The Lorax, on a daily basis.  It was pretty darn relaxing and felt like a good ending to the "Diagnosis and Mastectomy" chapter.

(A note to all who are wondering: Yes, I rocked my bikinis and quite honestly, you'd never be able to tell that I had a gone through surgery 7-weeks prior to vacation.  Unless you really stared at my chest and realized that my breasts don't move at all - not when I walk, run or lay down.  They're like pieces of gravity-defying Playdoh stuck to my chest.  When I have the expanders "exchanged" for implants, they'll get some motion back to them.)

Enter the "Resume Normal Lift" chapter.  We've been back for a little over a week and I'm struggling a bit to get my ass in gear and do something, like work out, start looking for my next gig, write a blog post, etc.  An object at rest stays at rest, right?  While, I'm never really at rest.  My mind is always going 20-million miles an hour.  And what is my mind chewing on right now?  The probability of developing cancer again.  Yup, in the absence of other things, my mind is swirling on the "what if's".  If you read above, I clearly know that that's counterproductive and I know I have very little control over what happens.  I can take my Tamoxifen (I started that yesterday), eat right, exercise and get my regular blood work and bone scans (I go in for my first bone scan and chest xray today) for early detection of recurrence.  I also went in for genetic counseling last week and am being tested for the BRCA genes - the genes that produce the hereditary form of breast and ovarian cancer. I find out the test results in early May.  The implications if I have the gene are that I have a higher chance of getting ovarian cancer (see "swirling on the 'what if's'" above).  And if I have it, Alice, my sister and brother have a 50% chance of having it, too. There are more implications but let's cross that bridge if we need to.

That's what's in my "control."  Now to get back to that place of acceptance and to get myself in positive motion mentally, physically and spiritually.

I'm still not very good at asking for help and when I do, actually receiving it.  I'm working on it.  Right now I could simply use some words of encouragement.

I'm going to close with a few pictures.  More to come.

Much love,
Lisa

Ah, the joy that a $2.99 floaty toy brings.  Alice loved her turtle,
hat and sunglasses and wore them the entire vacation.

A selfie of me and Lark in our beach cabana.  84-degrees and sunny.  One week later...

...we're at our first Twins game of the season and it's 32-degrees and snowing!  

Just remember: There's no bad weather, just bad clothing.
I wore my snow pants to the game.  

What's that you say? We already celebrated Alice's bday in January?  We sure did.
This is "Happy Poop Day."  Alice pooped in the potty - yet another excuse
to sing, blow out candles and eat cake!  Of course, she filled her underpants twice the next day.  Sigh.