Self-love | Drain-free | Grammy Sue Sue

Spyhouse Coffee outing.  

Hey Ladies (and Guys, if it applies), I've been thinking that instead of spending our lives obsessing about that 5 to 10 lbs we think we should lose or the fact that our boobies have gone a little south or are just too little (or insert less-than body part here:__________), I suggest we lose 5 to 10 lbs of self-doubt and loathing.  While we're at it, how about we gain a few pounds of confidence and fully embrace the body we have today.

Easier said than done, right?  But not impossible.

I went to buy my first "real" bra at Nordstom.  My stunningly beautiful, talented and fun friend who's name rhymes with Braci and starts with a "T" accompanied me (I make every attempt to protect my friend's identity's - it's just how I roll).  She was really impressed with the wee bit of chest that I have thanks to the expanders.  I feel like a pubescent girl developing very rapidly, without the rollercoaster of emotions and mean-girl problems.  Anyhow, we grabbed a drink after that and discussed our upcoming trips to Mexico and how we both wished we were a bit firmer, felt better in a bikini, etc.

This was the same conversation I had with another friend earlier in the week who's going on a beach vacation.  Again, for the purposes on anonymity, I'll call her Bangie.  

Both woman are gorgeous, wicked smart and funny.  I've never thought for a second have I thought, "Damn, they'd be so much better looking if they took a few lbs off their badonkadonks."  I never think that about any of my friends or anyone else, for that matter.  What a boring world we'd have if everyone was looked like an emaciated Jcrew model.  Oops, I forgot to protect their identity.

If I take a look in the metaphorical mirror, I can apply the same logic to myself and embrace my body the way it is right now with a little bit of mom softness to it and re-developing breasts.  Oh, and let's not forget that I'm completely healthy.  

It's not easy to be in the present and love what one has now.  But it's not impossible either.

So, Braci and Bangie, I hope you strut your beautiful bikini bodies on the beach with the confidence that I so love in you and all of my friends.  I promise to do the same.

Health Update.  I'm drain-free - goodbye holsters! - and am getting ready for my first "fill" today.  Just to recap for the two people who are still reading this blog (Thank you, btw.  That's two more people than I had just a few weeks ago.), at the same time I had the bilateral mastectomy, my plastic surgeon, Dr. K., placed tissue expanders under my pectoral muscles.  The expanders will be gradually filled, 50 ml at a time, until I reach my desired size.  Again, to recap, I've always wanted boobs big enough that I can't see my feet when I look down, so this is going to take awhile.  And if you believe that, you don't know me very well, so we should probably do coffee to get to know each other better.  I'll let you buy my latte.  2% with real sugar.  Half-caf, please, if I've already drank a ton of coffee that day.

The Oncotype DX test, the one that helps determine if I'm a good candidate for chemotherapy on top of hormone therapy, will come back sometime next week.

I'm also going to visit a new oncologist who came highly recommended from a couple friends.  She practices  out of Fairview Southdale.  I'm so relieved that I'm not going back to the original bombed-out office we visited two weeks ago.  Apparently it's a fantastic practice, but it's just not the one for me, nor was the oncologist we met.  Environment matters and I want to surround myself with beauty during this time - beautiful people and surroundings.  I scheduled my first appointment for March 19th so that we'll be able to review the results of the Oncotype test.

I feel incredibly fortunate that I have the resources to make choices about my healthcare.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about other women with similar diagnoses who don't have access to resources (finances, friends, networks of connected people, knowledge) or don't know how to advocate for themselves. I do not take this for granted and noodling on how these women can be helped.   I'm so lucky.

Grammy Sue Sue.  Sue was in town last week to help me.  We loved having you here, Sue.  Thank you for keeping me sane as I adjust to my new normal staying home with the girls. I had a freak out day on Monday (an internal freak out) where I thought I couldn't handle it. I've since calmed down and have settled back into enjoying the present and not worrying about the future.  Having Sue there helped me get my head on straight.

I'm going to wrap this puppy up! I'll let you know how the fill goes.

Lots of love,
Lisa

Grammy Sue and Alice playing "animals."  Sue brought puppets with her and
Alice fell instantly in love with the unicorn. 

We do, Sue.  You are loved.

Tom, Alice, Dublin and I went to the Sculpture Garden on Sunday while Lark hung out with her friends.