So this is when it gets hard

It will officially be one week tomorrow that I had my double mastectomy.  I knew there would be waves of sadness and other emotions, and I've been getting pummeled with them today.  Lots of tears and sadness. I miss having energy.  I miss picking Alice up.  I miss my body the way it used to be.  I'm sad that Lark is afraid of my drains and even more afraid of what my chest looks like.

My poor chest looks like a war zone with thick, angry purple lines going from where my nipples uses to be to the edge of my now flat natural breast.   On the side of each breast, there are two drains (thin, clear tubing) that come out of my skin and empty into what look like little clear, plastic grenades.  There are four collection vials, or grenades, in total that need to be emptied three times a day.  The grenades have a loop of plastic at the top and are attached with a safety pin to an ace bandage wrapped around my chest.

The first part of breast reconstruction is having expanders put in under the pectoral muscles.  Expanders are used to gradually stretch out the skin so that it can accommodate an implant.  When I first heard that I was a candidate for immediate reconstruction, I thought, "Wow, I can be back to at least looking normal right away."  That's not exactly how it works.  Over the next 4-6 months, I'll go into the plastic surgeon to have the expanders filled gradually until I reach my desired size (we're going for parity with pre-mastectomy chest). Once the desired size is reached, they'll add a little more to the expander and then I'll wait for a few months (maybe to let stuff settle?) before replacing the expander with an implant.  In all, it's about a 10-month process.

For the record, expanders do not look like a natural breast and they are uncomfortable.

I stopped taking percocet today because it's doing a number on my digestive tract.  My poor belly is so bloated it looks like I'm pregnant.

I would love some lunch time visitors to help keep my dauber up.   Or coffee... I'm always up for coffee:-).  Let me know what works.

Love,
Me